The $30,000 Bequest, and Other Stories

Коллекция текстов · humor

The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter I
Lakeside was a pleasant little town of five or six thousand inhabitants, and a rather pretty one, too, as towns go in the Far West. It had…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter II
Now came great news! Stunning news—joyous news, in fact. It came from a neighboring state, where the family's only surviving relative lived…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter III
The little newspaper which Aleck had subscribed for was a Thursday sheet; it would make the trip of five hundred miles from Tilbury's villa…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter IV
Five weeks drifted tediously along. The Sagamore arrived regularly on the Saturdays, but never once contained a mention of Tilbury Foster.…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter V
The celebration went off well. The friends were all present, both the young and the old. Among the young were Flossie and Gracie Peanut and…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter VI
It were a weariness to follow in detail the leaps and bounds the Foster fictitious finances took from this time forth. It was marvelous, it…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter VII
One Sunday afternoon some time after this they were sailing the summer seas in their dream yacht, and reclining in lazy luxury under the aw…
The $30,000 Bequest — Chapter VIII
During three days the couple walked upon air, with their heads in the clouds. They were but vaguely conscious of their surroundings; they s…
A Dog's Tale — Chapter I · A Dog's Tale — Chapter II
A Dog's Tale A Dog's Tale — Chapter I My father was a St. Bernard, my mother was a collie, but I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother…
A Dog's Tale — Chapter III
It was such a charming home!—my new one; a fine great house, with pictures, and delicate decorations, and rich furniture, and no gloom anyw…
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter I
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter I “You told a lie?” “You confess it—you actually confess it—you told a lie!”
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter II
The family consisted of four persons: Margaret Lester, widow, aged thirty six; Helen Lester, her daughter, aged sixteen; Mrs. Lester's maid…
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter III
The three last named stood by the bed; the aunts austere, the transgressor softly sobbing. The mother turned her head on the pillow; her ti…
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter IV
Twelve days later. Mother and child were lingering in the grip of the hideous disease. Of hope for either there was little. The aged sister…
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter V · Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter VI · Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter VII
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter V After a little, both aunts were laboring upon a difficult and baffling work in Helen's chamber. Patient…
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter VIII · Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter IX
Was It Heaven? Or Hell? — Chapter VIII Another day dawned, and grew, and spread its sunshine in the earth. Aunt Hannah brought comforting n…
A Cure for the Blues (1)
Chapter X A Cure for the Blues (1) By courtesy of Mr. Cable I came into possession of a singular book eight or ten years ago. It is likely…
A Cure for the Blues (2)
Her heart yielded to no feeling but the love of Elfonzo, on whom she gazed with intense delight, and to whom she felt herself more closely…
A Cure for the Blues (3)
It will hardly be believed that after all this thunder and lightning not a drop of rain fell; but such is the fact. Elfonzo and his gang st…
The Curious Book (1)
Complete (The foregoing review of the great work of G. Ragsdale McClintock is liberally illuminated with sample extracts, but these cannot…
The Curious Book (2)
Remembering such admonitions with gratitude, Elfonzo was immediately urged by the recollection of his father's family to keep moving. His s…
The Curious Book (3)
“Look, O! look: that angelic look of thine—bathe not thy visage in tears; banish those floods that are gathering; let my confession and my…
The Curious Book (4)
F. Malos not dead, and here is my ring! Oh, Amelia! falsely murdered! Oh, bloody deed! Oh, wretch that I am! Oh, angels forgive me! Oh, God…
The Curious Book (5)
“I now take my leave of you, sweet girl,” said Louisa, “sincerely wishing you success on Sabbath next.” When Ambulinia's letter was handed…
The Californian's Tale
Thirty-five years ago I was out prospecting on the Stanislaus, tramping all day long with pick and pan and horn, and washing a hatful of di…
A Helpless Situation
Once or twice a year I get a letter of a certain pattern, a pattern that never materially changes, in form and substance, yet I cannot get…
A Telephonic Conversation
Consider that a conversation by telephone—when you are simply sitting by and not taking any part in that conversation—is one of the solemne…
Edward Mills and George Benton: A Tale
These two were distantly related to each other—seventh cousins, or something of that sort. While still babies they became orphans, and were…
The Five Boons of Life — Chapter I · The Five Boons of Life — Chapter II · The Five Boons of Life — Chapter III
The Five Boons of Life The Five Boons of Life — Chapter I In the morning of life came a good fairy with her basket, and said: “Here are gif…
The Five Boons of Life — Chapter IV · The Five Boons of Life — Chapter V
The Five Boons of Life — Chapter IV “Chose yet again.” It was the fairy's voice. “Two gifts remain. And do not despair. In the beginning th…
The First Writing-Machines
From My Unpublished Autobiography Some days ago a correspondent sent in an old typewritten sheet, faded by age, containing the following le…
Italian Without a Master
It is almost a fortnight now that I am domiciled in a medieval villa in the country, a mile or two from Florence. I cannot speak the langua…
Italian with Grammar
I found that a person of large intelligence could read this beautiful language with considerable facility without a dictionary, but I prese…
A Burlesque Biography
Two or three persons having at different times intimated that if I would write an autobiography they would read it when they got leisure, I…
How to Tell a Story
The Humorous Story an American Development.—Its Difference from Comic and Witty Stories I do not claim that I can tell a story as it ought…
General Washington's Negro Body-Servant
A Biographical Sketch The stirring part of this celebrated colored man's life properly began with his death—that is to say, the notable fea…
Wit Inspirations of the “Two-Year-Olds”
All infants appear to have an impertinent and disagreeable fashion nowadays of saying “smart” things on most occasions that offer, and espe…
An Entertaining Article
I take the following paragraph from an article in the Boston Advertiser: An English Critic on Mark Twain Perhaps the most successful flight…
A Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury · Amended Obituaries · A Monument to Adam
A Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury Riverdale-on-the-Hudson, October 15, 1902 The Hon. The Secretary Of The Treasury,Washington, D. C…
A Humane Word from Satan
A Humane Word from Satan (The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come from him, we have reason to believe was not written…
Post-Mortem Poetry (1)
In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to published deat…
The Danger of Lying in Bed
The man in the ticket-office said: “Have an accident insurance ticket, also?” “No,” I said, after studying the matter over a little. “No, I…
Portrait of King William III
I never can look at those periodical portraits in The Galaxy magazine without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist. I have…
Does the Race of Man Love a Lord? (1)
Often a quite assified remark becomes sanctified by use and petrified by custom; it is then a permanency, its term of activity a geologic p…
Does the Race of Man Love a Lord? (2)
We all love to get some of the drippings of Conspicuousness, and we will put up with a single, humble drip, if we can't get any more. We ma…
Extracts from Adam's Diary
MONDAY.—This new creature with the long hair is a good deal in the way. It is always hanging around and following me about. I don't like th…
Eve's Diary
Translated from the Original SATURDAY.—I am almost a whole day old, now. I arrived yesterday. That is as it seems to me. And it must be so,…
Extract from Adam's Diary
Perhaps I ought to remember that she is very young, a mere girl and make allowances. She is all interest, eagerness, vivacity, the world is…