Aristocracy Versus Hash · The Prisoner of Zembla · A Strange Story

Aristocracy Versus Hash

    [From The Rolling Stone.]
    The snake reporter of The Rolling Stone was wandering up the avenue last night on his way home from the Y.M.C.A. rooms when he was approached by a gaunt, hungry-looking man with wild eyes and dishevelled hair. He accosted the reporter in a hollow, weak voice.
    “‘Can you tell me, Sir, where I can find in this town a family of scrubs?’
    “‘I don’t understand exactly.’
    “‘Let me tell you how it is,’ said the stranger, inserting his forefinger in the reporter’s buttonhole and badly damaging his chrysanthemum. ‘I am a representative from Soapstone County, and I and my family are houseless, homeless, and shelterless. We have not tasted food for over a week. I brought my family with me, as I have indigestion and could not get around much with the boys. Some days ago I started out to find a boarding house, as I cannot afford to put up at a hotel. I found a nice aristocratic-looking place, that suited me, and went in and asked for the proprietress. A very stately lady with a Roman nose came in the room. She had one hand laid across her stom—across her waist, and the other held a lace handkerchief. I told her I wanted board for myself and family, and she condescended to take us. I asked for her terms, and she said $300 per week.
    “‘I had two dollars in my pocket and I gave her that for a fine teapot that I broke when I fell over the table when she spoke.’
    “‘You appear surprised,’ says she. ‘You will please remembah that I am the widow of Governor Riddle of Georgiah; my family is very highly connected; I give you board as a favah; I nevah considah money any equivalent for the advantage of my society, I—’
    “‘Well, I got out of there, and I went to some other places. The next lady was a cousin of General Mahone of Virginia, and wanted four dollars an hour for a back room with a pink motto and a Burnet granite bed in it. The next one was an aunt of Davy Crockett, and asked eight dollars a day for a room furnished in imitation of the Alamo, with prunes for breakfast and one hour’s conversation with her for dinner. Another one said she was a descendant of Benedict Arnold on her father’s side and Captain Kidd on the other.
    “‘She took more after Captain Kidd.
    “‘She only had one meal and prayers a day, and counted her society worth $100 a week.
    “‘I found nine widows of Supreme Judges, twelve relicts of Governors and Generals, and twenty-two ruins left by various happy Colonels, Professors, and Majors, who valued their aristocratic worth from $90 to $900 per week, with weak-kneed hash and dried apples on the side. I admire people of fine descent, but my stomach yearns for pork and beans instead of culture. Am I not right?’
    “‘Your words,’ said the reporter, ‘convince me that you have uttered what you have said.’
    “‘Thanks. You see how it is. I am not wealthy; I have only my per diem and my perquisites, and I cannot afford to pay for high lineage and moldy ancestors. A little corned beef goes further with me than a coronet, and when I am cold a coat of arms does not warm me.’
    “‘I greatly fear,’ said the reporter, with a playful hiccough, ‘that you have run against a high-toned town. Most all the first-class boarding houses here are run by ladies of the old Southern families, the very first in the land.’
    “‘I am now desperate,’ said the Representative, as he chewed a tack awhile, thinking it was a clove. ‘I want to find a boarding house where the proprietress was an orphan found in a livery stable, whose father was a dago from East Austin, and whose grandfather was never placed on the map. I want a scrubby, ornery, low-down, snuff-dipping, back-woodsy, piebald gang, who never heard of finger bowls or Ward McAllister, but who can get up a mess of hot cornbread and Irish stew at regular market quotations.’
    “‘Is there such a place in Austin?’
    “The snake reporter sadly shook his head. ‘I do not know,’ he said, ‘but I will shake you for the beer.’
    “Ten minutes later the slate in the Blue Ruin saloon bore two additional characters: 10.”

The Prisoner of Zembla

    [From The Rolling Stone.]
    So the king fell into a furious rage, so that none durst go near him for fear, and he gave out that since the Princess Ostla had disobeyed him there would be a great tourney, and to the knight who should prove himself of the greatest valor he would give the hand of the princess.
    And he sent forth a herald to proclaim that he would do this.
    And the herald went about the country making his desire known, blowing a great tin horn and riding a noble steed that pranced and gambolled; and the villagers gazed upon him and said: “Lo, that is one of them tin horn gamblers concerning which the chroniclers have told us.”
    And when the day came, the king sat in the grandstand, holding the gage of battle in his hand, and by his side sat the Princess Ostla, looking very pale and beautiful, but with mournful eyes from which she scarce could keep the tears. And the knights which came to the tourney gazed upon the princess in wonder at her beauty, and each swore to win so that he could marry her and board with the king. Suddenly the heart of the princess gave a great bound, for she saw among the knights one of the poor students with whom she had been in love.
    The knights mounted and rode in a line past the grandstand, and the king stopped the poor student, who had the worst horse and the poorest caparisons of any of the knights and said:
    “Sir Knight, prithee tell me of what that marvellous shacky and rusty-looking armor of thine is made?”
    “Oh, king,” said the young knight, “seeing that we are about to engage in a big fight, I would call it scrap iron, wouldn’t you?”
    “Ods Bodkins!” said the king. “The youth hath a pretty wit.”
    About this time the Princess Ostla, who began to feel better at the sight of her lover, slipped a piece of gum into her mouth and closed her teeth upon it, and even smiled a little and showed the beautiful pearls with which her mouth was set. Whereupon, as soon as the knights perceived this, 217 of them went over to the king’s treasurer and settled for their horse feed and went home.
    “It seems very hard,” said the princess, “that I cannot marry when I chews.”
    But two of the knights were left, one of them being the princess’ lover.
    “Here’s enough for a fight, anyhow,” said the king. “Come hither, O knights, will ye joust for the hand of this fair lady?”
    “We joust will,” said the knights.
    The two knights fought for two hours, and at length the princess’ lover prevailed and stretched the other upon the ground. The victorious knight made his horse caracole before the king, and bowed low in his saddle.
    On the Princess Ostla’s cheeks was a rosy flush; in her eyes the light of excitement vied with the soft glow of love; her lips were parted, her lovely hair unbound, and she grasped the arms of her chair and leaned forward with heaving bosom and happy smile to hear the words of her lover.
    “You have foughten well, sir knight,” said the king. “And if there is any boon you crave you have but to name it.”
    “Then,” said the knight, “I will ask you this: I have bought the patent rights in your kingdom for Schneider’s celebrated monkey wrench, and I want a letter from you endorsing it.”
    “You shall have it,” said the king, “but I must tell you that there is not a monkey in my kingdom.”
    With a yell of rage the victorious knight threw himself on his horse and rode away at a furious gallop.
    The king was about to speak, when a horrible suspicion flashed upon him and he fell dead upon the grandstand.
    “My God!” he cried. “He has forgotten to take the princess with him!”

A Strange Story

    [From The Rolling Stone.]
    In the northern part of Austin there once dwelt an honest family by the name of Smothers. The family consisted of John Smothers, his wife, himself, their little daughter, five years of age, and her parents, making six people toward the population of the city when counted for a special write-up, but only three by actual count.
    One night after supper the little girl was seized with a severe colic, and John Smothers hurried down town to get some medicine.
    He never came back.
    The little girl recovered and in time grew up to womanhood.
    The mother grieved very much over her husband’s disappearance, and it was nearly three months before she married again, and moved to San Antonio.
    The little girl also married in time, and after a few years had rolled around, she also had a little girl five years of age.
    She still lived in the same house where they dwelt when her father had left and never returned.
    One night by a remarkable coincidence her little girl was taken with cramp colic on the anniversary of the disappearance of John Smothers, who would now have been her grandfather if he had been alive and had a steady job.
    “I will go downtown and get some medicine for her,” said John Smith (for it was none other than he whom she had married).
    “No, no, dear John,” cried his wife. “You, too, might disappear forever, and then forget to come back.”
    So John Smith did not go, and together they sat by the bedside of little Pansy (for that was Pansy’s name).
    After a little Pansy seemed to grow worse, and John Smith again attempted to go for medicine, but his wife would not let him.
    Suddenly the door opened, and an old man, stooped and bent, with long white hair, entered the room.
    “Hello, here is grandpa,” said Pansy. She had recognized him before any of the others.
    The old man drew a bottle of medicine from his pocket and gave Pansy a spoonful.
    She got well immediately.
    “I was a little late,” said John Smothers, “as I waited for a street car.”