Three men on the bummel - Chapter Xiii - (2)

The Kneipe is what we should call a stag party, and can be very harmless or very rowdy, according to its composition. One man invites his fellow- students, a dozen or a hundred, to a cafe, and provides them with as much beer and as many cheap cigars as their own sense of health and comfort may dictate, or the host may be the Korps itself. Here, as everywhere, you observe the German sense of discipline and order. As each new comer enters all those sitting round the table rise, and with heels close together salute. When the table is complete, a chairman is chosen, whose duty it is to give out the number of the songs. Printed books of these songs, one to each two men, lie round the table. The chairman gives out number twenty-nine. "First verse," he cries, and away all go, each two men holding a book between them exactly as two people might hold a hymn- book in church. There is a pause at the end of each verse until the chairman starts the company on the next. As every German is a trained singer, and as most of them have fair voices, the general effect is striking.
    Although the manner may be suggestive of the singing of hymns in church, the words of the songs are occasionally such as to correct this impression. But whether it be a patriotic song, a sentimental ballad, or a ditty of a nature that would shock the average young Englishman, all are sung through with stern earnestness, without a laugh, without a false note. At the end, the chairman calls "Prosit!" Everyone answers "Prosit!" and the next moment every glass is empty. The pianist rises and bows, and is bowed to in return; and then the Fraulein enters to refill the glasses.
    Between the songs, toasts are proposed and responded to; but there is little cheering, and less laughter. Smiles and grave nods of approval are considered as more seeming among German students.
    A particular toast, called a Salamander, accorded to some guest as a special distinction, is drunk with exceptional solemnity.
    "We will now," says the chairman, "a Salamander rub" ("Einen Salamander reiben"). We all rise, and stand like a regiment at attention.
    "Is the stuff prepared?" ("Sind die stoffe parat?") demands the chairman.
    "Sunt," we answer, with one voice.
    "Ad exercitium Salamandri," says the chairman, and we are ready.
    "Eins!" We rub our glasses with a circular motion on the table.
    "Zwei!" Again the glasses growl; also at "Drei!"
    "Drink!" ("Bibite!")
    And with mechanical unison every glass is emptied and held on high.
    "Eins!" says the chairman. The foot of every empty glass twirls upon the table, producing a sound as of the dragging back of a stony beach by a receding wave.
    "Zwei!" The roll swells and sinks again.
    "Drei!" The glasses strike the table with a single crash, and we are in our seats again.
    The sport at the Kneipe is for two students to insult each other (in play, of course), and to then challenge each other to a drinking duel. An umpire is appointed, two huge glasses are filled, and the men sit opposite each other with their hands upon the handles, all eyes fixed upon them. The umpire gives the word to go, and in an instant the beer is gurgling down their throats. The man who bangs his perfectly finished glass upon the table first is victor.
    Strangers who are going through a Kneipe, and who wish to do the thing in German style, will do well, before commencing proceedings, to pin their name and address upon their coats. The German student is courtesy itself, and whatever his own state may be, he will see to it that, by some means or another, his guest gets safely home before the morning. But, of course, he cannot be expected to remember addresses.
    A story was told me of three guests to a Berlin Kneipe which might have had tragic results. The strangers determined to do the thing thoroughly. They explained their intention, and were applauded, and each proceeded to write his address upon his card, and pin it to the tablecloth in front of him. That was the mistake they made. They should, as I have advised, have pinned it carefully to their coats. A man may change his place at a table, quite unconsciously he may come out the other side of it; but wherever he goes he takes his coat with him.
    Some time in the small hours, the chairman suggested that to make things more comfortable for those still upright, all the gentlemen unable to keep their heads off the table should be sent home. Among those to whom the proceedings had become uninteresting were the three Englishmen. It was decided to put them into a cab in charge of a comparatively speaking sober student, and return them. Had they retained their original seats throughout the evening all would have been well; but, unfortunately, they had gone walking about, and which gentleman belonged to which card nobody knew--least of all the guests themselves. In the then state of general cheerfulness, this did not to anybody appear to much matter. There were three gentlemen and three addresses. I suppose the idea was that even if a mistake were made, the parties could be sorted out in the morning. Anyhow, the three gentlemen were put into a cab, the comparatively speaking sober student took the three cards in his hand, and the party started amid the cheers and good wishes of the company.
    There is this advantage about German beer: it does not make a man drunk as the word drunk is understood in England. There is nothing objectionable about him; he is simply tired. He does not want to talk; he wants to be let alone, to go to sleep; it does not matter where--anywhere.
    The conductor of the party stopped his cab at the nearest address. He took out his worst case; it was a natural instinct to get rid of that first. He and the cabman carried it upstairs, and rang the bell of the Pension. A sleepy porter answered it. They carried their burden in, and looked for a place to drop it. A bedroom door happened to be open; the room was empty; could anything be better?--they took it in there. They relieved it of such things as came off easily, and laid it in the bed. This done, both men, pleased with themselves, returned to the cab.
    At the next address they stopped again. This time, in answer to their summons, a lady appeared, dressed in a tea gown, with a book in her hand. The German student looked at the top one of two cards remaining in his hand, and enquired if he had the pleasure of addressing Frau Y. It happened that he had, though so far as any pleasure was concerned that appeared to be entirely on his side. He explained to Frau Y. that the gentleman at that moment asleep against the wall was her husband. The reunion moved her to no enthusiasm; she simply opened the bedroom door, and then walked away. The cabman and the student took him in, and laid him on the bed. They did not trouble to undress him, they were feeling tired! They did not see the lady of the house again, and retired therefore without adieus.
    The last card was that of a bachelor stopping at an hotel. They took their last man, therefore, to that hotel, passed him over to the night porter, and left him.
    To return to the address at which the first delivery was made, what had happened there was this. Some eight hours previously had said Mr. X. to Mrs. X.: "I think I told you, my dear, that I had an invitation for this evening to what, I believe, is called a Kneipe?"
    "You did mention something of the sort," replied Mrs. X. "What is a Kneipe?"
    "Well, it's a sort of bachelor party, my dear, where the students meet to sing and talk and--and smoke, and all that sort of thing, you know."
    "Oh, well, I hope you will enjoy yourself!" said Mrs. X., who was a nice woman and sensible.
    "It will be interesting," observed Mr. X. "I have often had a curiosity to see one. I may," continued Mr. X.,--"I mean it is possible, that I may be home a little late."
    "What do you call late?" asked Mrs. X.
    "It is somewhat difficult to say," returned Mr. X. "You see these students, they are a wild lot, and when they get together--And then, I believe, a good many toasts are drunk. I don't know how it will affect me. If I can see an opportunity I shall come away early, that is if I can do so without giving offence; but if not--"
    Said Mrs. X., who, as I remarked before, was a sensible woman: "You had better get the people here to lend you a latchkey. I shall sleep with Dolly, and then you won't disturb me whatever time it may be."
    "I think that an excellent idea of yours," agreed Mr. X. "I should hate disturbing you. I shall just come in quietly, and slip into bed."
    Some time in the middle of the night, or maybe towards the early morning, Dolly, who was Mrs. X.'s sister, sat up in bed and listened.
    "Jenny," said Dolly, "are you awake?"
    "Yes, dear," answered Mrs. X. "It's all right. You go to sleep again."
    "But whatever is it?" asked Dolly. "Do you think it's fire?"
    "I expect," replied Mrs. X., "that it's Percy. Very possibly he has stumbled over something in the dark. Don't you worry, dear; you go to sleep."
    But so soon as Dolly had dozed off again, Mrs. X., who was a good wife, thought she would steal off softly and see to it that Percy was all right. So, putting on a dressing-gown and slippers, she crept along the passage and into her own room. To awake the gentleman on the bed would have required an earthquake. She lit a candle and stole over to the bedside.
    It was not Percy; it was not anyone like Percy. She felt it was not the man that ever could have been her husband, under any circumstances. In his present condition her sentiment towards him was that of positive dislike. Her only desire was to get rid of him.
    But something there was about him which seemed familiar to her. She went nearer, and took a closer view. Then she remembered. Surely it was Mr. Y., a gentleman at whose flat she and Percy had dined the day they first arrived in Berlin.
    But what was he doing here? She put the candle on the table, and taking her head between her hands sat down to think. The explanation of the thing came to her with a rush. It was with this Mr. Y. that Percy had gone to the Kneipe. A mistake had been made. Mr. Y. had been brought back to Percy's address. Percy at this very moment--
    The terrible possibilities of the situation swam before her. Returning to Dolly's room, she dressed herself hastily, and silently crept downstairs. Finding, fortunately, a passing night-cab, she drove to the address of Mrs. Y. Telling the man to wait, she flew upstairs and rang persistently at the bell. It was opened as before by Mrs. Y., still in her tea-gown, and with her book still in her hand.
    "Mrs. X.!" exclaimed Mrs. Y. "Whatever brings you here?"
    "My husband!" was all poor Mrs. X. could think to say at the moment, "is he here?"
    "Mrs. X.," returned Mrs. Y., drawing herself up to her full height, "how dare you?"
    "Oh, please don't misunderstand me!" pleaded Mrs. X. "It's all a terrible mistake. They must have brought poor Percy here instead of to our place, I'm sure they must. Do please look and see."
    "My dear," said Mrs. Y., who was a much older woman, and more motherly, "don't excite yourself. They brought him here about half an hour ago, and, to tell you the truth, I never looked at him. He is in here. I don't think they troubled to take off even his boots. If you keep cool, we will get him downstairs and home without a soul beyond ourselves being any the wiser."
    Indeed, Mrs. Y. seemed quite eager to help Mrs. X.
    She pushed open the door, and Mrs. X, went in. The next moment she came out with a white, scared face.
    "It isn't Percy," she said. "Whatever am I to do?"
    "I wish you wouldn't make these mistakes," said Mrs. Y., moving to enter the room herself.
    Mrs. X. stopped her. "And it isn't your husband either."
    "Nonsense," said Mrs. Y.
    "It isn't really," persisted Mrs. X. "I know, because I have just left him, asleep on Percy's bed."
    "What's he doing there?" thundered Mrs. Y.
    "They brought him there, and put him there," explained Mrs. X., beginning to cry. "That's what made me think Percy must be here."
    The two women stood and looked at one another; and there was silence for awhile, broken only by the snoring of the gentleman the other side of the half-open door.
    "Then who is that, in there?" demanded Mrs. Y., who was the first to recover herself.
    "I don't know," answered Mrs. X., "I have never seen him before. Do you think it is anybody you know?"
    But Mrs. Y. only banged to the door.
    "What are we to do?" said Mrs. X.
    "I know what I am going to do," said Mrs. Y. "I'm coming back with you to fetch my husband."
    "He's very sleepy," explained Mrs. X.
    "I've known him to be that before," replied Mrs. Y., as she fastened on her cloak.
    "But where's Percy?" sobbed poor little Mrs. X., as they descended the stairs together.
    "That my dear," said Mrs. Y., "will be a question for you to ask him."
    "If they go about making mistakes like this," said Mrs. X., "it is impossible to say what they may not have done with him."
    "We will make enquiries in the morning, my dear," said Mrs. Y., consolingly.
    "I think these Kneipes are disgraceful affairs," said Mrs. X. "I shall never let Percy go to another, never--so long as I live."
    "My dear," remarked Mrs. Y., "if you know your duty, he will never want to." And rumour has it that he never did.
    But, as I have said, the mistake was in pinning the card to the tablecloth instead of to the coat. And error in this world is always severely punished.