Sketches New and Old

Коллекция текстов · humor

1. An Instructive Little TALE—[Written about 1870.]
   My beautiful new watch had run eighteen months without losing or gaining, and without breaking any part of its machinery or stopping. I had…
2. Political Economy
   Political Economy is the basis of all good government. The wisest men of all ages have brought to bear upon this subject the— \Here I was i…
3. In English. Then in French. Then Clawed Back into a Civilized Language Once More by Patient, Unremunerated Toil
   written about 1865 In English. Then in French. Then Clawed Back into a Civilized Language Once More by Patient, Unremunerated Toil Even a c…
4. The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County — [Pronounced Cal-e-va-ras]
   In compliance with the request of a friend of mine, who wrote me from the East, I called on good-natured, garrulous old Simon Wheeler, and…
5. The Jumping Frog
   \From the Revue des Deux Mondes, of July 15th, 1872.\ ....................... LA GRENOUILLE SAUTEUSE DU COMTE DE CALAVERAS “—Il y avait, un…
6. [written about 1871] · Spirit of the Tennessee Press
   written about 1871 The editor of the Memphis Avalanche swoops thus mildly down upon a correspondent who posted him as a Radical:—“While he…
7. Spirit of the Tennessee Press
   The inveterate liars of the Semi-Weekly Earthquake are evidently endeavoring to palm off upon a noble and chivalrous people another of thei…
8. [written about 1865]
   Once there was a bad little boy whose name was Jim—though, if you will notice, you will find that bad little boys are nearly always called…
9. [Written about 1865]
   Once there was a good little boy by the name of Jacob Blivens. He always obeyed his parents, no matter how absurd and unreasonable their de…
10. Those Evening Bells · Those Annual Bills
    written about 1865 Those Evening Bells BY THOMAS MOORE Those evening bells! those evening bells! How many a tale their music tells Of youth…
11. [written about 1871]
    Niagara Falls is a most enjoyable place of resort. The hotels are excellent, and the prices not at all exorbitant. The opportunities for fi…
12. [written about 1865]
    “MORAL STATISTICIAN.”—I don’t want any of your statistics; I took your whole batch and lit my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. You…
13. [Being a letter written to a Poultry Society that had conferred a complimentary membership upon the author. Written about 1870.]
    Seriously, from early youth I have taken an especial interest in the subject of poultry-raising, and so this membership touches a ready sym…
14. [As related to the author of this book by Mr. McWilliams, a pleasant New York gentleman whom the said author met by chance on a journey.]
    Well, to go back to where I was before I digressed to explain to you how that frightful and incurable disease, membranous croup,\Diphtheria…
15. [written about 1865] · [written about 1869] · [written about 1869]
    written about 1865 I was a very smart child at the age of thirteen—an unusually smart child, I thought at the time. It was then that I did…
16. Johnny Greer · [written about 1867]
    Johnny Greer “The church was densely crowded that lovely summer Sabbath,” said the Sunday-school superintendent, “and all, as their eyes re…
17. The United States
    In account with JOHN WILSON MACKENZIE, of New Jersey, deceased, — Dr. To thirty barrels of beef for General Sherman, at $100, — $3,000 To t…
18. The Case of George Fisher
    —\Some years ago, about 1867, when this was first published, few people believed it, but considered it a mere extravaganza. In these latter…
19. The United States in account with the — legal representatives of George Fisher, deceased
    1813— — DOL To 550 head of cattle, at 10 dollars, — 5,500 To 86 head of drove hogs, — 1,204 To 350 head of stock hogs, — 1,750 To 100 ACRES…
20. Disgraceful Persecution of a Boy
    In San Francisco, the other day, “A well-dressed boy, on his way to Sunday-school, was arrested and thrown into the city prison for stoning…
21. The Judge’s “Spirited Woman” · Information Wanted
    The Judge’s “Spirited Woman” “I was sitting here,” said the judge, “in this old pulpit, holding court, and we were trying a big, wicked-loo…
22. Part First — How the Animals of the Wood Sent Out a Scientific Expedition
    Once the creatures of the forest held a great convention and appointed a commission consisting of the most illustrious scientists among the…
23. Some Learned Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls — Part Second — How the Animals of the Wood Completed Their Scientific Labors
    A week later the expedition camped in the midst of a collection of wonderful curiosities. These were a sort of vast caverns of stone that r…
24. Part Third
    Some Learned Fables for Good Old Boys and Girls Part Third Near the margin of the great river the scientists presently found a huge, shapel…
25. [written about 1867]
    I am not a private secretary to a senator any more now. I held the berth two months in security and in great cheerfulness of spirit, but my…
26. [written about 1867]
    At General G——’s reception the other night, the most fashionably dressed lady was Mrs. G. C. She wore a pink satin dress, plain in front bu…
27. Riley—Newspaper Correspondent
    One of the best men in Washington—or elsewhere—is RILEY, correspondent of one of the great San Francisco dailies. Riley is full of humor, a…
28. A Fine Old Man · [written about 1867]
    A Fine Old Man John Wagner, the oldest man in Buffalo—one hundred and four years old—recently walked a mile and a half in two weeks. He is…
29. [written about 1870]
    \“Never put off till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow just as well.”—B. F.\ This party was one of those persons whom they call…
30. [written about 1865]
    Our esteemed friend, Mr. John William Bloke, of Virginia City, walked into the office where we are sub-editor at a late hour last night, wi…
31. Chapter I. The Secret Revealed · Chapter II. Festivity and Tears · Chapter III. The Plot Thickens
    Chapter I. The Secret Revealed It was night. Stillness reigned in the grand old feudal castle of Klugenstein. The year 1222 was drawing to…
32. Chapter IV. The Awful Revelation
    Chapter IV. The Awful Revelation Time passed on. A settled sadness rested once more upon the countenance of the good duke’s daughter. She a…
33. A Paragraph Not Added to the Petition
    A Paragraph Not Added to the Petition The charming absurdity of restricting property-rights in books to forty-two years sticks prominently…
34. Lionizing Murderers
    I had heard so much about the celebrated fortune-teller Madame— —, that I went to see her yesterday. She has a dark complexion naturally, a…
35. Legislation Needed
    This country, during the last thirty or forty years, has produced some of the most remarkable cases of insanity of which there is any menti…
36. Containing a Moral
    Night before last I had a singular dream. I seemed to be sitting on a doorstep (in no particular city perhaps) ruminating, and the time of…
37. Gone to His Just Reward’
    on it, and I was proud when I first saw it, but by and by I noticed that whenever an old friend of mine came along he would hook his chin o…
38. Repeated Word for Word as I Heard IT—[Written about 1876]
    It was summer-time, and twilight. We were sitting on the porch of the farmhouse, on the summit of the hill, and “Aunt Rachel” was sitting r…
39. [Written about 1868.]
    I do not wish to write of the personal habits of these strange creatures solely, but also of certain curious details of various kinds conce…
40. [Written about 1872.]
    At the anniversary festival of the Scottish Corporation of London on Monday evening, in response to the toast of “The Ladies,” MARK TWAIN r…
41. A Ghost Story
    I took a large room, far up Broadway, in a huge old building whose upper stories had been wholly unoccupied for years until I came. The pla…
42. Chapter I · Chapter II · Chapter III
    Chapter I \Scene-An Artist’s Studio in Rome.\ “Oh, George, I do love you!” “Bless your dear heart, Mary, I know that—why is your father so…
43. Chapter IV · Chapter V · Chapter VI
    Chapter IV \Scene—The Studio.\ “The six months will be up at two o’clock to-day! Oh, agony! My life is blighted. I would that I were dead.…
44. Delivered in Hartford, at a Dinner to Cornelius Walford, of London
    Delivered in Hartford, at a Dinner to Cornelius Walford, of London GENTLEMEN: I am glad, indeed, to assist in welcoming the distinguished g…
45. [Written about 1870.]
    I did not take temporary editorship of an agricultural paper without misgivings. Neither would a landsman take command of a ship without mi…
46. The Petrified Man
    Now, to show how really hard it is to foist a moral or a truth upon an unsuspecting public through a burlesque without entirely and absurdl…
47. My Bloody Massacre
    The other burlesque I have referred to was my fine satire upon the financial expedients of “cooking dividends,” a thing which became shamef…
48. The Undertaker’s Chat · Concerning Chambermaids
    The Undertaker’s Chat “Now that corpse,” said the undertaker, patting the folded hands of deceased approvingly, “was a brick—every way you…
49. [Written about 1865.]
    The facts in the following case came to me by letter from a young lady who lives in the beautiful city of San José; she is perfectly unknow…
50. "After” Jenkins
    A grand affair of a ball—the Pioneers’—came off at the Occidental some time ago. The following notes of the costumes worn by the belles of…
51. About Barbers
    All things change except barbers, the ways of barbers, and the surroundings of barbers. These never change. What one experiences in a barbe…
52. "Party Cries” in Ireland
    Belfast is a peculiarly religious community. This may be said of the whole of the North of Ireland. About one-half of the people are Protes…
53. Washington, December, 1867
    I have resigned. The government appears to go on much the same, but there is a spoke out of its wheel, nevertheless. I was clerk of the Sen…
54. History Repeats Itself · Honored as a Curiosity
    History Repeats Itself The following I find in a Sandwich Island paper which some friend has sent me from that tranquil far-off retreat. Th…
55. [Written about 1870.]
    I had never seen him before. He brought letters of introduction from mutual friends in San Francisco, and by invitation I breakfasted with…
56. [Written about 1867.]
    I visited St. Louis lately, and on my way West, after changing cars at Terre Haute, Indiana, a mild, benevolent-looking gentleman of about…
57. The Stranger’s Narrative
    “On the 19th of December, 1853, I started from St. Louis on the evening train bound for Chicago. There were only twenty-four passengers, al…
58. [Written about 1865.]
    Being the only true and reliable account ever published; taken from the Roman “Daily Evening Fasces,” of the date of that tremendous occurr…
59. The Widow’s Protest · [Written about 1866.]
    The Widow’s Protest One of the saddest things that ever came under my notice (said the banker’s clerk) was there in Corning during the war.…
60. [Written about 1864]
    It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for the amusement of the public, but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instructi…
61. [Published at the time of the “Comet Scare” in the summer of 1874]
    Published at the time of the “Comet Scare” in the summer of 1874 \We have received the following advertisement, but, inasmuch as it concern…
62. The Postal Service · The Inhabitants of Stars · A Great Force of Missionaries,
    The Postal Service will be of the completest character. Of course the telegraph, and the telegraph only, will be employed; consequently fri…
63. The Dog Star · A Stupendous Voyage · First-Class Fare
    The Dog Star has been stricken from the program. Much time will be spent in the Great Bear, and, indeed, in every constellation of importan…
64. Old Ramshackle Comets · We Carry Bulletin-Boards · For Further Particulars,
    Old Ramshackle Comets that have not been inspected or overhauled in 10,000 years, and which ought long ago to have been destroyed or turned…
65. [Written about 1870.]
    A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New York, to run against Mr. John T. Smith and Mr. Blank J. Blank on an…
66. A Mysterious Visit
    The first notice that was taken of me when I “settled down” recently was by a gentleman who said he was an assessor, and connected with the…